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Conversations With Self

Woke up today with ad slogans and jingles running through my head. When I think about it, this happens all too often. What does this mean? Am I singing my way through life, or are we all subliminally being programmed? Am I simply nuts? Or – should I being trying to write an unforgettable slogan for my business? Hmm. Can you hear me now? Or have I really fallen and can’t get up? Oh, those are already taken. HELP!

Typical start to my day:

1) Wake up and run to the bathroom.
2) Try not to break any bones or harm any body parts along the way.
3) Say ‘excuse me’ to wall or chair as I go bouncing into them.
4) Get back into bed for a good stretch.
5) Jump up out of bed, go boot computer and make coffee. All the while little person in head screaming, OMG, I’m late.
6) Late for what, you work at home, other person in head answers
7) Oh yeah, I say.
8) While coffee is brewing, another voice says gleefully, oh boy, I wonder what’s going to happen today?
9) Big smile.

And so it goes. Now, with computer humming (is it supposed to do that?????) and coffee ready, I settle myself into my quasi lotus position on chair. Full lotus would cause chair to fall over, and require visit to emergency room. Not a good thing. Or would I have to be surgically removed from chair?

Check email. Check through bulk folder to find out how many idiots there are today who have nothing better to do than send messages that are meaningless to people they don’t know. Luckily, am not too annoyed about it today. Tomorrow, who knows. Depends what song I wake up singing…

Read every possible horoscope to make sure I’m either

1) going to have a good day
2) have a light bulb glaring ‘aha’ moment
3) get through the day with minimal grief
4) finally discover the true meaning of life
5) go to the beach or work my butt off today

All in all, life is good. All little persons in head agree. Whew.

Little person in head agrees, nodding enthusiastically. Like bobble head on dashboard in car – you know? Haven’t seen those lately, but when I was a kid people used to put them on the back shelf of their cars. Sometimes a hula doll, sometimes some funny head.

Don’t know where that came from. Maybe it was last week's road trip. Flashbacks of how things used to be. Like kids in the backseat waving at other cars.

Little people inside head nod enthusiastically again. Heaven help me, now there's more than one again.....

House Rules

REASONS TO CLOSE THE LID ON THE TOILET

It all started with the toilet seat. Being a woman, I had to insist that the plane was not landing, and unlike tray tables, the seat should not be returned to an upright position. Yes, of course I still remember the childhood trauma of falling in when I got up in the middle of the night…but that’s another story.

Yesterday I was telling a friend (male) about the new rule in my house – the lid on the toilet seat has to be down. Yeah, bad enough I insist on the seat being returned to its original down position – but now this. Anyway, the new rule is almost too much for him to cope with.

No, I don’t have any pets that should not be drinking toilet water. Or any babies that might try lapping it up, or worse, falling in.

It’s simple: I have a very small bathroom, maxed out to keep everything handy. But here are some recent mishaps:

1) Casually brushing hair over sink, looking in mirror. Brush catches on earring (18k gold handcrafted), pulls earring out, earring flies, bounces off of mirror and goes straight into the toilet. As the flush is finishing…whoosh. Gone. But not forgotten. Grit teeth….

2) Bump into shelf on wall next to toilet. Mug with eye liner pencils falls over, while I’m rubbing sort spot on my head. Do you think I like playing pick-up-stix from toilet bowl? Are the caps on tight, can they be salvaged? What to do, what to do….

3) Take dirty kitchen towel into bathroom to place in laundry hamper. Notice dust on shelf (same one mentioned above), so do a quick dust. See cobweb starting above shelf, swing the towel to swat the cobweb down. Towel flies out of hand, and takes a dive – you guessed it, right into toilet. Delicately pick up an end and toss into bathtub until tomorrow – laundry day. Arrgh….
4) Spritzing my favorite perfume on, I get distracted (by what?????) and turn too fast, lose grip on perfume bottle. Like a graceful swan dive off the high board….well, at least the toilet smells good. Is that why it’s called Eau de Toilette? Note to self: wash hands after putting on lotion before grabbing perfume bottle.


The list goes on: rings, toothbrushes, bite-guards, contact lenses…if it doesn’t belong there, it has a way of landing there. Ok, so I’m a bit of a klutz, at least I didn’t flush a cell phone….but I’d like to get through one day without saying, oh, I didn’t mean to do that….

Besides, it’s a good feng shui habit, keeps out evil spirits. That’s good enough for me.